I just completed the online Jeopardy! contestant test. Because, why not? See, that right there was a question- I’m a natural.
To be honest, my goal is simply to make it on the show. I don’t need to win.
I just need a (very) public forum in which to air some grievances. For example:
my first answer, no matter what the question, will be: “what is we all think you’re pedantic, Alex?” Because we do.
Following that comes a series of horribly mispronounced French words (“what is Aw Revoyer?”), a bunch of answers in which the word “and” appears in the middle of the word (like “sandwich,” “mandible,” or (this hurts) “funnyman Adam Sandler”) and then a big finish where I constantly phrase my question-answers like this: “is it Meredith Vieira?” instead of asking: “what/who is Che Guevara, Geraldo Rivera, Christina Aguilera or burnt up hair?”
Should I accidentally press the buzzer, my plan is to answer in one of two ways: “What is Camembert?” or “Who is Fat Pete from up the street?” because Camembert sounds classy and Fat Pete is a real person.
Now about those grievances. Depending upon the scores going into double Jeopardy, my plan, if I’m losing, is to reach into the annals of marital strife to discuss some spousal issues that we never seem to have time for while in the same time zone. Maybe Spouse would be more willing to listen if the whole country were listening too.
If the category is “Movies/Cultural Events that You Have Ruined for Me” the answers are as follows: “What was Lyle Lovett circa 2010?” (food poisoning),” “What was Joe Jackson at the Beacon?” (club too crowded, music too lame), and “how did you ever convince me to go see “A Prairie Home Companion”?” (duh).
If the category is a cute one, like “He Said, She Said,” my answers are this: he said, “What can I say? Dinner’s fine. It’s good. I’m just not a big cabbage eater.” To which she replied: “Why is nothing I do ever enough for you? I slaved in the kitchen all day!” Both of which begin with a question, BTW.
When I’m winning, the strategy is as follows:
Daily double: bet it all. You can’t lose what you never had. (Thank you, Sting.)
Audio/video daily double: answer with “what is Duran Duran?” because it sounds like a foreign country (Papua New Guinea), it might be a foreign food (Gado-Gado) and it is most definitely a poser band from the 1980′s (like Sting).
Erie Canal is also a good bet in most categories. Don’t ask, it just works.
Finally, after the break, when Alex makes unnatural small talk with the contestants, don’t be surprised if he refers to me as a philanthropist/ski ball champion from Fargo, North Dakota who once shared a bathroom with Sir Bob Geldof because one of those things is true and Sir Bob Geldof has not stopped calling me since.
Okay, that last bit is a lie. Is it wrong to try to make the moment last?
Survey says no.